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Post by scubasteve on Feb 4, 2008 6:44:18 GMT -5
Nothing like a good old laugh, so here goes. Keeping in line with the board's policy on taste, so nothing too offensive. So what's the last joke you heard? for me it was....
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the e woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'
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Post by mirai on Feb 4, 2008 15:48:55 GMT -5
damnit, that's half mine gone
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Post by gopher in heat on Feb 6, 2008 0:18:37 GMT -5
A young boy and his dad are out in the garage, working on the car.
The boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between the potential and the actual?"
The father replies, "Well... go inside and ask your mom if she would sleep with Sean Connery for a million dollars. Then, go ask your big sister if she would sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what they said."
The boy was confused, but went inside and found his mom in the kitchen.
"Mom, would you sleep with Sean Connery for a million dollars?" the boy asked.
The mother was a little taken back with the question, but after a little thought she replied.
"Well... a million dollars would pay for your college, plus we could pay off all our debts and retire early... so yeah, I suppose I would do it." she said.
The boy then went upstairs and into his sister's room.
"Hey sis... would you sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars?" he asked.
Without even giving much thought, she answered.
"Yeah, I guess so." she said.
The boy then went back out to the garage to report to his father what they had said.
"Well son, what did they say?" he questioned.
"They both said they'd do it... but what does that have to do with the potential and the actual?" the boy responded.
"Well son," the father replied, "we're potentially sitting on two million bucks... but we're actually living with a couple of prostitutes."
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Post by scubasteve on Feb 6, 2008 9:57:56 GMT -5
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. "Then I asked my wife for help.She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked, "You asked your neighbour ?" The old man replied, "Yep, It was because none of us could get the jar open."
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Post by scubasteve on Feb 13, 2008 16:40:58 GMT -5
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the sea
. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!?
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."
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Post by spanky74 on Feb 13, 2008 21:10:38 GMT -5
Ok I Thought this one was to funny
A woman gets drunk and a bit cuckoo The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Just before 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh s**t," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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Post by scubasteve on Feb 14, 2008 11:26:39 GMT -5
VERY GOOD. KEEP EM COMING!
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Post by spanky74 on Feb 14, 2008 19:33:30 GMT -5
Ok this ones pretty good too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The m an does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
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Post by spanky74 on Feb 14, 2008 19:38:24 GMT -5
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q.Do female frogs croak? > A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
> Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? > A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. > A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? > A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask > him if he's ? > A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? > A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? > A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
> Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? > A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
> Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? > A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
> Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? > A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
> Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? > A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
> Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? > A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
> Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? > A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. > > > Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? > A Marty Allen: Only after lights out. > > > Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? > A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? > > > Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? > A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. > > > Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the > habit of kissing a lot of people? > A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. > > > Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? > A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. > > > Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? > A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. > > > Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? > A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? > > > Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? > A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. > > > Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? > A. Charley Weaver: His feet. > > > Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? > A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
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Post by spanky74 on Feb 14, 2008 19:51:29 GMT -5
>An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He >had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe
>courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond >was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. > >One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it >over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon >bucket to bring back some fruit. > >As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
>As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
>in his pond. > >He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep >end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you >leave!" > >The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim >naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
>said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." > >Old men can still think fast. >
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vitaman2007
Sentinel Sphere
"Be de be de be de...f#@ you Buck!"
Posts: 698
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Post by vitaman2007 on Feb 14, 2008 20:18:48 GMT -5
Horse walks into a bar, "Bartender, could I have a beer please?"
Bartender: "What's with the long face?"
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Post by spanky74 on Feb 15, 2008 20:31:02 GMT -5
An 90-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 90year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
**The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."****
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Post by Natalie on Feb 16, 2008 10:19:51 GMT -5
This isn't much of a joke, but more of a rant. Who is Jack Schitt? Has anyone ever told you "You don't know Jack Schitt."? Well, now you can correct them.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later re a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, she decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Shitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt, and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood, subsequently the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens , which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
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Post by spanky74 on Feb 16, 2008 13:48:32 GMT -5
Ralph and the IRS
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I' m not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
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Post by scubasteve on Mar 17, 2008 11:25:03 GMT -5
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.
Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*se and go as a f***ing toffee apple!
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Post by scubasteve on Apr 9, 2008 3:10:34 GMT -5
Box Donation
A Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now"cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is!" "This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?" "I can!" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do!" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is!" "Did he donate £10,000 to the church?" "He will." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little b*stards!"
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Post by spanky74 on Apr 13, 2008 1:49:10 GMT -5
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it's worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. . . and then the trouble started.
You know it's funny..LOL
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Post by spanky74 on Apr 13, 2008 1:57:14 GMT -5
Would you remarry?
Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being ?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure. It's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably. It is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No. I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
HUSBAND: "Yes. Those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No. She's left-handed."
WIFE: - silence -
HUSBAND: " . . .s**t."
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Post by scubasteve on May 8, 2008 5:46:44 GMT -5
Ring - Ring Hello?' Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?' 'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.' After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, Right now.' Brief Pause. 'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy,That dad's car just pulled into the driveway.' 'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.' A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it, Daddy.' 'And what happened, honey?' He asked. 'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!' 'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?' 'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.' Long Pause Longer Pause Even Longer Pause Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?'
No, I think you have the wrong number.......
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Post by cryptkeeper2529 on Mar 1, 2009 18:00:32 GMT -5
Not really a joke but:
<a href="http://failblog.org/2009/02/28/bike-owner-fail/"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13547" title="fail-owned-bike-lock-owner-fail" src="http://failblog.wordpress.com/files/2009/02/fail-owned-bike-lock-owner-fail.jpg" alt="fail owned pwned pictures" /></a><br />see more <a href="http://failblog.org">pwn and owned pictures</a>
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